When I came here, I thought I knew why.
Then I realised,
I was running away from so many other things – so complex, I wouldn’t know it.
Decades would roll by, thunderous and sweet, and all the little bruises would stay hidden.
Sleeping in the skin.
Until they came, one by one, like little round balls of acknowledgement – making my heart ache at the sight of them.
And I didn’t know how to be the woman I wanted to be because I didn’t know that I was so scared,
just to be a woman.
I didn’t realise my terror.
Mother was a word I feared within myself because women, they were cold empty spaces of vacant void.
That void was within me, and it bled
and out through
everything I touched.
They told me, ‘you’re doing such a good job.’
How do you know what you’re doing? I said, ‘I don’t know what I’m doing – I’m broken.’
When I finally realised that all the little bruises and cuts under my skin had come to the surface,
I could stitch them up.
I could really look back.
The chalice was warmer and warmer.
The cold nights and the anger all wound together and I could break properly for the first time.
When you break properly for the first time, you really can put yourself back together.
Your subconscious knows everything, and you don’t know shit.
Then it let’s you see for the first time the broken, and you really can fix it.
Wind it all back together.
Don’t for a second believe that you know, because you don’t, and if you knew shit on a daily basis your mind would explode, you would not get up, you would not go to work, you would not feed yourself, you would die again and again, because the pain is so unbearable.
So it stays buried deep, in a place only accessible by dreams.
Until the rest of you is ready to hear it, to feel it, to really break.
~Hayley Clearihan ~
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